I'm feeling a bit emotionally exhausted today. First, there is the constant background concern of the H.'s adoption. While I don't spend my every waking moment fretting about it (I'm trying to break my fretting habit, really I am), it is one of those things that I'm aware of constantly being in the back of my head and it takes very little to bring it to the surface.
Then there is the whole recovery from this past week's tech and performance coupled with it all being M.'s last time performing with Thin Ice. She did such a lovely job and J. and I are so proud of her. But it's another sign that my children are growing up. I sent J. to last night's show because I didn't want to sniff through it. (B. was also terrific and we are equally proud of him, but he still has two more years with Thin Ice, so it wasn't quite the emotional toll to watch him.) I was also watching four small P family children this past week because their mother is one of the amazing costumers for the group and it's my small part in helping out the theater. Because it is not something I'm used to, having 10 children 10 and under here for most of the week is physically exhausting and I'm just a little behind in my regular routine.
And because I'm a bit behind on my routine, I have allowed my desk and calendar to get a bit out of control. Nothing will make me feel on edge as quickly as this. I just know I'm going to forget something important or double-book us. I haven't really sat down and planned out the summer and for my mental stability I really need to (and get a calendar that includes the month of August!) I had been putting it off because we are trying to get M.'s knee surgery scheduled and had hoped to do it early in the summer, but no such luck. It looks as though it will be more toward the middle of August and just a couple weeks before she moves into campus housing. I'm just going to have to trust it will all work out because there's just not a whole lot I can do about it.
Finally, tomorrow P. and D. leave for a week of church camp and M. joins them as a counselor. I know they will all have a great time, but there is always a bit of parental anxiety when children are away and this time it is a bit magnified as this is D.'s first time at camp and M.'s first time as a counselor. I have a lot to do today to make sure everyone has everything they need and are ready to go. Sending a child to camp for the first time is yet another one of those markers that say a child is growing up.
All in all it's going to be a summer of changes (and we all know how much I don't like that). I will need to practice deep breathing and focusing on the present. Can I tell you my secret dream? (Not that I expect my children to want to join in... but one can hope, can't one?) Here it is: we (somehow, ha!) buy a very large piece of land somewhere and move there, and then when my children get married we give them a part of the land where they can build their own house. It would need to be large enough so that no one felt as though they were living on top of each other but everyone would still be in a reasonable distance to one another. Can you even begin to imagine how fun Christmas would be? Don't you love the idea of your grandchildren being able to run across a field (or something) and come and visit whenever they wanted? At this point I feel I need to apologize to my parents for having moved 2000 miles away. But, hey, we'll build a house for them as well.